You find yourself alone yet again, and you search for solace. You look around for lights. Lights of love, hope, kindness, wisdom, and togetherness. And yet, you shy away from their direct counterparts - the lights, yes, the lights of loneliness, fear, shame and anger. What if you are subconsciously learning to love them, and learning to make space for them? What is love, if not bravery? The bravery to be vulnerable, the ability to trust in the uncertain and take a chance?
You accept that you are afraid. Deathly scared of what the future will hold, how the past will affect the present, all of them weighing down on you - making it so tiring that you want to give up, but: you are simultaneously driven by hope. That one light that shines through, that one aspect of life, where you follow your heart, and do what brings you peace. That is giving you the energy and space to tackle the other elements of your life that you think are in your control - it may or may not be the case. You are learning to breathe through these contradictory feelings.
You learn acceptance. You go down multiple rabbit holes and pathways, and the road back to reality doesn't feel so direct at times. It's liberating to be aware and reflected yet it drains you out mentally. You accept it. Articulating your thoughts and feelings regularly feel exhausting and inauthentic. Yet, you accept it. You find your authenticity in that acceptance.
You are building a deeper relationship with your inner child, and understanding what it is that she truly needs. You learn to be nicer to yourself, you take yourself on a walk along that favorite street with the cobblestones, the smell of fresh bread wafting in from the bakery right around the corner. You draw boundaries with people, and learn the art of accepting others' boundaries. You recognize that you tend to draw comparisons from people’s lives to your own - not always a bad thing, but hey, you are your own person and have your own circumstances to deal with. Hold on to that. Hold on to yourself.
You are starting to befriend those lights now, your feelings of shame, fear, loneliness and anger - this is the most powerful thing you could have done. Giving these lights the room to sit in your life. Acknowledging them, processing them and then channeling them into something meaningful to you. You are finding your inner home. Remember that the heart knows her way around, though the path may not be so straightforward. She always does.
As you sit back in your warm home amidst the classic gray skies, with the gentle winter mist hanging in the air, you bask in these lights. You realize all these varied lights are beautifully, yet subtly, interspersed in the different love languages you exhibit to yourself and in all the ways you show up for yourself. You are creating your home within yourself. You are enough. Always have been, and always will be.
About the artist:
A finance manager by profession - while I am not crunching numbers, I write. Currently attempting to authentically re-connect with, and explore different forms and types of writing. Mini random fact about me is that I love sharing playlists on Spotify and writing physical letters. You can find me on Instagram @sneha.raman or via e-mail email@example.com (is this considered old school already?). :-)